“Every failure teaches you something you needed to learn”
Charles Dickens
It may be that if you are reading this it is because your partner recently left you or maybe it was you who made the decision to end the romantic relationship or perhaps you are beginning to consider it but fear is paralyzing you… In any case, breathe and stay calm because it is important that you are aware that there are continually couples who break up, it is nothing exceptional, on the contrary it is something totally normal and habitual in these times.
Although at the beginning, regardless of how long the love relationship has lasted and how abrupt the end has been, more or less traumatic, it will be somewhat painful and the thing may be complicated, a difficult process, that will change and with the passage of time it will It will be saved as another experience in your backpack and you will remember it without pain, as an opportunity for growth and learning.
Having quality relationships in our lives protects against adversity in general. Specifically when I am experiencing a duel derived from a sentimental breakup.
Esther Seville
Separation Phases
When a relationship ends, we go through a grieving process and it is the end of a story.
In the same way that occurs with the loss of a loved one, our minds need time to get used to the idea that things have changed. It is time to assimilate and face that the other person is no longer in our life, and allow ourselves to feel and live each of the emotions that each stage will bring with it: anxiety, fear, anger, rage, sadness, frustration…
Train your confidence in an experience with which you can feel better about yourself with our self-esteem and confidence course .
When the rupture arrives, the usual and normal thing is to go through the different stages of grief (denial, anger, negotiation, depression and acceptance) but be careful because if we get stuck in any of them, or if the duel is not carried out correctly , or things get complicated, it can result in a great blockage and we can experience a pathological duel in which it would be necessary to request help from a professional.
Undoubtedly, knowing these phases, one by one, will help you understand the process you are going through.
- Denial : “This can’t be happening to me”, “it’s like a nightmare”, “tell me it’s not true, it’s not possible” . This is the first stage and it is the beginning of everything. In this phase you will refuse to accept that the relationship has ended, you will have a hard time believing that the breakup has occurred, you will feel sadness and probably cry.
- Anger : “How could he do this to me? I hate him with all my might!” Once the situation is assimilated, we go from pain to hate. Anger that arises from thinking that you have been treated unfairly and/or that you have been betrayed. In this phase there is usually a deep sadness and there may be aggressiveness and anxiety.
- Negotiation : Third stage in which we try to find solutions and force agreements so that the situation changes. At this point it is common to act much more impulsively by sending messages, making calls, forcing surprise encounters… which usually do not achieve the desired objective.
- Depression : In this phase you will finally begin to understand everything that has happened, you will understand that the relationship has really ended and that you are not going to be together again. At this point you may feel very sad, listless and hopeless. Here it is totally normal to stop eating, sleep badly and not feel like going out.
- Acceptance : Last stage. In this phase you accept that you ended up with your partner, you are recovering your strength and you do not have so many negative thoughts. The memories of your partner (photographs, gifts…) no longer cause you as much suffering as they used to and you begin to talk normally about your ex and your past relationship.
If we do not have a good base self-esteem, we can fall into self-destructive behaviors or toxic relationships. Getting too involved with someone else when it might not be the right thing to do at the time.
Esther Seville
Before continuing with the article, we do not want to stop recommending you this episode of our podcast “Practice Positive Psychology”, we have done it with all our hearts so that it will be of great help to you ?
9 Habits to Get Over a Relationship Breakup Fast
After seeing the different stages of grief, here we leave you the most important steps and tips to face, accept and cope with a sentimental breakup from the point of view of psychology:
work on your self esteem
Once again, self-esteem flourishes and it is essential to work on it to feel loved, valuable and value yourself as you should. Find out how to boost your self-esteem .
Learn to enjoy your own company , to be good with yourself and LOVE YOURSELF because if you like yourself, you will like yourself too ?
Accept yourself as you are, with the good and the less good that you have, that is your true identity and what makes you unique.
Accept the situation, welcome the change
The first thing, first of all, is to accept the new situation. Refusing to believe and accept what has happened is useless, it will only lengthen the process, it will be even more complicated if you had a very strong emotional dependence on that person.
Of course it’s not about denying or avoiding pain, no, it’s about accepting it and embracing it, but without staying there.
Don’t be shy, if you feel like crying, cry
It’s important that if you feel like crying, you do. Don’t be ashamed. Repressing emotions is never good , let them flow. If you are sad, you should feel it and vent even if you are in public, crying and feeling is human.
goodbye to victimhood
One of the fundamental and inadvisable errors that appears when the separation arrives is to adopt the role of the victim. And although you have surely heard it many times, here we remind you once again, to feel sorry for yourself is to dig your own grave. Refuse to be a victim.
Try to understand that you are not the only person who has experienced what you are experiencing now, nor are you very different from the rest of the people who have overcome a couple separation . If they have been able, you too.
In our post about resilience we talk about how in the face of life’s toughest adversities, there is an innate force that can annihilate your victimhood and help you learn and get the good out of separation. Put it into practice.
Maintain and increase your social circle, force yourself to go out
Socializing will benefit you, and that is because friends, co-workers, your family and anyone with whom you feel good, comfortable and comfortable will have a very positive influence on you.
It is true that at the beginning of the duel we always prefer to spend more time alone to promote emotional relief, but it is very important that these moments of solitude do not isolate you excessively. The worst thing you can do after a breakup is to do nothing, lock yourself up and/or isolate yourself.
Even if you don’t feel like it at first, make an effort to make plans, to go out, to stay, fight against laziness and you’ll see that little by little it will cost you less and less.
Get out there, recover your social life, open the doors to new possibilities.
Do not stop, go on, go on
Avoid inactivity and do “nothing”. Inactivity blocks you and traps you in negative and less than optimal thoughts in a breakup situation.
You cannot afford to stop, and after a breakup, there comes a time of change that is ideal to give you the opportunity to start new projects and set new goals and objectives. Get to it.
look ahead and learn
Stop doing like crabs, don’t look in your past, don’t look back. Stop thinking about what happened or what could have been. What will benefit you is to look ahead, it’s time to start thinking about the good that is yet to come.
Here I refer to the quote at the beginning and it is that the past is just that, the past, we cannot change or modify it, but it does help us to learn and try to improve the possible mistakes made.
And it is that, according to Walter Riso, psychologist and writer of numerous publications, with the sentimental breakup we learn what it is that we do not want or will not tolerate in future relationships. Being clear about what is not going to be negotiated, endured, or sacrificed in the future is a great step forward for a subsequent successful relationship.
look for the bright side
When something happens, whether it is expected or not, we have to try to see the positive side, this will help us improve as people and not repeat the same mistakes.
Ask for help
If a reasonable time has passed since the relationship ended and even with everything, you feel that you are anchored, immobile, that you have not turned the page, you feel too sad, you do not feel like going out and you do not find meaning in anything, it is still necessary that a professional psychologist accompany you to overcome the breakup and thus improve your emotional well-being.
The therapist will help you redirect frustration, rage or poorly managed anger and reduce your emotional suffering. And it is normal that on certain occasions we cannot overcome the things that happen to us alone.