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Nobody owes you an orgasm

The classical models advocate the idea that orgasm is something that someone gives us and, therefore, if they do not give it to us, it is owed to us, but that is a problematic vision

In recent times it seems that it is not possible to talk about women’s sexuality without using certain terms from medicine, which are even happily mentioned in the media and social networks.

Clinical diagnoses such as “hypoactive sexual desire” or “female anorgasmia” have become so popular that it is said that in the world of heterosexual relationships there is an orgasmic glass ceiling, which would function in a similar way to the world labor, in which men have privileges and women lose out.

But this generates a confusing discourse that takes very little account of the reality of orgasm and interactions as a couple. This way of speaking generates the idea that orgasm is something that someone gives us and, therefore, if they do not give it to us, it is owed to us.

Farewell to the phases of orgasm

The orgasm process is first fully described by the
sexologists Masters and Johnson in their seminal 1966 work “The Human Sexual Response.” In their work they describe in detail the phases and processes that occur during sexual arousal.

Masters and Johnson thus create what today, after the influence of other authors such as Helen S. Kaplan, is known as the DEMOR scheme, which is the acronym for Desire, Arousal, Plateau, Orgasm and Resolution, the classic phases of human arousal.

In this model, orgasm would be a specific phase within that curve of the human sexual response. To reach the orgasm phase, a series of previous stimuli and a concatenation of physiological events are necessary.

Ultimately, for Masters and Johnson, orgasm is the culmination of the arousal process, but it is not a process in itself. However, despite the usefulness of the DEMOR scheme for understanding sexual arousal, it falls short in explaining the reality of the orgasm process.

The circular model of orgasm

Already in 2005 other authors such as Basson developed a biopsychosocial model of the female sexual response. This leads us to two types of explanations for orgasm:

  • On the one hand, the classical and strictly physiological model of Masters and Johnson, which would be applied to male sexuality.
  • On the other hand, the biopsychosocial model, which takes into account social and environmental conditions, which is applied to female sexuality.

Unfortunately this leads to false dichotomies between physiology and psychology, and male and female sexuality. But there is a third model that escapes these traps. It is the circular model proposed by the sexologist Joserra Landarroitajauregui.

orgasmo circular

For Landarroitajauregi there is a circular feedback relationship between excitement, desire, and satisfaction. Within the excitement would enter the orgasm and the physiological response of Masters and Johnson.

These three factors interact with each other generating the desire to have sexual encounters, to spend time with the other, to mate, or much or little that our partner excites us, and the orgasms that we achieve in our encounters with her.

Nobody owes you an orgasm

Perhaps there is the key to all this apparent conflict. Faced with problematic ideas such as “orgasmic debt”, or that there are good and bad lovers, according to their capacity as orgasm givers, we are ignoring several fundamental facts.

On the one hand, our sexual encounters are not better depending on the number of orgasms produced, but on the satisfaction achieved. And satisfaction is mediated by many factors, such as general pleasure (and not just genital), intimacy, comfort and many others.

On the other hand, that every sexual encounter is an interaction between two people who at the same time are subject to the environmental circumstances in which they find themselves. And finally, it makes no sense to say that female sexuality is one way and male another. Each subject (be it man or woman, cis or trans) has their own sexuality with their personal characteristics.

How to find yourself without pressure

Perhaps it is time to start meeting to enjoy ourselves with no other expectation than the meeting itself. A meeting where a series of intimacies are generated that allow mutual knowledge and the generation of a positive synergy that can lead to mutual satisfaction.

  • As long as we continue to believe that our lovers give us orgasms and not that we orgasm, we will continue to introduce problematic elements into our encounters.
  • As long as we are convinced that the ability to orgasm is independent of the personal circumstances of each subject, we will continue to look for errors in our sexual encounters that may be found in other spheres of our life.
  • As long as we believe that orgasm is a matter of technique, and not a part of the relationship, we will continue to get frustrated.

Faced with this, we can only find ourselves without pressure, get to know each other and understand that the sexual encounter is a matter of two (or more). Only then can we have satisfying encounters, whatever the final count of orgasms.

REFERENCES

Basson R, Brotto LA, Laan E, Redmond G, Utian WH. Assessment and management of women’s sexual dysfunctions: problematic desire and arousal . J Sex Med. 2005; 2 (3): 291-300.

Landarroitajauregi, J. R. To better understand the human sexual response. Fundamentals. 2009.

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